A ridiculous number of my recent posts have started with me apologising for not posting on time. Is it because I’m a tad lazy? Maybe. Or is it because I have horrifying exams that take up the majority of my conscious (and apparently unconscious now too)? Probably. Nonetheless, I didn’t post and have been slapped accordingly. Damn.
Moving swiftly on (please!), while watching the Jimmy Neutron film earlier today I had a (to steal his favourite catch phrase) brain-blast. The blast was that if I came up with a good posting idea I could use the phrase ‘brain-blast’. Luckily, such an idea did fall into my lap.
Tomorrow one of my oldest friends (in terms of time I’ve known him, not age) turns 17 (see? Most of us turned 17 so long ago we’re closer to turning 18 now!). He’s a fairly eccentric guy, and has always said he holds a belief that a person’s birthday is really important, and so he’ll always endeavour to do anything a person asks him to do on their birthday. To avoid any of you taking advantage of this insanely generous (and insane) offer, I won’t be telling you the name of this person... just in case. Besides, he didn’t deliver on the box of flying kittens when I turned 17, so it probably wouldn’t be worth it anyway.
There’s only one flaw in this philosophy. Ok, fine, there are too many flaws to count, but the one that jumped out at me was that if he’s gonna try to make everyone else’s birthdays awesome, who’s gonna make a big deal for him? I mean, it’d be kinda sad if he had to make a big deal to himself about his own birthday! He will anyway, but still. Secretly, everyone on the planet wants the people around them to remember, and make a big(ish) deal about, their birthday. Anyone that says otherwise is either:
a) Lying,
b) Trying to be modest (in which case whatever they say should be reversed; eg “Honest, there’s no need to make a big deal” really means “That’s right bitch, I’m [ INSERT AGE HERE ], make a big deal! Make a HUGE deal!”).
c) Or, if you’re in a relationship with said person, testing you (in which case you MUST take everything they say, reverse it and multiply it by one hundred... thousand. Give or take 10. eg [for a woman]“It’s only my birthday, don’t worry about it” really means “WORRY ABOUT IT. WORRY HARD. I’m expecting my present to either be a unicorn, a diamond necklace or a unicorn WEARING a diamond necklace. And if you get the date, or that I’m turning [ INSERT AGE HERE ] wrong, you will NEVER see me naked. Ever. In fact, you may receive a slap, followed by a 18 page letter explaining all the problems with our now ended relationship.”
...It’s possible I over-exaggerated slightly. Still, you get the jist.
Anyway, the reason this incredibly rambly story is relevant is because I decided that, from 3:00pm until midnight, I would send him a text every hour, on the hour, as a countdown. (I confess that my 9pm text was pretty late, but in my defence I was writing this blog post!) Each text would include the number of hours left until midnight, and a ‘wisdomous words’ section (wise words, but I decided ‘wisdomous’ sounded more mystical) of things he should know by the time he turns 17.
At 3pm, with 9 hours to go till midnight, the wise words were ‘Never follow a fat lady down a water slide’. Trust me, it’s good advice.
The others have ranged from real stuff like ‘The best things in life are free’, to funny things like quotes from The Bro Code (originally written by Barnibus Stinson, apparently with the help of George Washington and Benjamin Franklin, to settle disputes between bros. Look it up, read it, thank me later).
This wonderfully kind-hearted act made me realise that I could do a similar thing with my blog to avoid slaps. So, this will be my last long post for a while. Instead, I’ll be leaving at least once a week ‘Wisdomous Words’ for you all, since I am a pretty wisdomous guy (hey, I said pretty!). These will range from real phrases that I kinda like, to articles from The Bro Code, or just random (and probably slightly crazy) thoughts/musings on life that pop into my head during the day. Hopefully they’ll make you laugh or think, and maybe work as a supplement to normal posts while I’m busy procrastinating. And as a slap deterrent. DEFINITELY as a slap deterrent. Awesome.
Before I go, I feel it would be wrong of me to mention the whole flying kittens thing without demonstrating what I mean, so here’s a video of me throwing a kitten off my roof a picture:
 |
| They would have been my incredibly adorable army! Muwahahaha... |
Have a great week!
-Jamie
You lazy bastard.
ReplyDelete